Use Your Illusion

Today marks the 66th anniversary to the bombing of Pearl Harbor - 9 torpedos to take down the USS Oaklahoma, 2nd biggest US naval casualty. Funny how, also today, the CIA confirmed it erased some terrorist interrogation tapes. Since I sport the Human Rights sticker on my car, I want to make sure to note that; they say the tapes were erased to protect the interragators' identities, but I have been fostering a healthy distrust over the government's motives and reasons for its actions for a while now. It's kind of like the whole "zero morpheme" idea of linguistics - what is not said is often more important than what is said.

So, after infusing myself with some skepticism, it's time to note the quitting milestone of today: the first experience of a negative Chantix side-effect. According to the patient information sheet, along with my doctor consultation, Chantix can cause some bizarre dreams, or at least very vivid dreams. I had one last night, and woke up almost in tears. I dreamt I was with my boyfriend and his family in a Charleston-like place, and we were shopping in this strange emporium of stuff. Everything I picked up was deemed "wrong" somehow, or someone would take an object away from me. We left the store (after I bought a new pair of Puma running shoes) and continued to a rental home. I decided to go out for a run, and promptly got lost. I ended up in a township that resembled Hampstead Heath (so we go from coastal Carolinas to a park in the London area, word) and a parade was going on. I suddenly felt lost and scared and panicky, so I asked a policeman for advice. He grabbed his truck and some girl who wanted to help, and we began to drive until I could identify my surroundings. While driving, my phone (phone?) began to ring, and it was my mother. She was upset with me because all of my boyfriend's family was worried and angry, and the family had decided to go eat without me because my boyfriend's mom's diabetes was acting up, and how selfish was I, etc. I panicked some more, and the helpful girl decided we should cross these Dr. Seuss-like railroad tracks - you had to hop on them but not "push off" when hopping or the tracks would slide out from under your feet. I kept running and running but I couldn't go fast enough, and then... I woke up.

I felt really upset when I woke up, but I was able to figure myself out after a few minutes. I've also experienced the gassy side effects (I nicknamed myself "Gasseous Clay" by Tuesday), and I feel particularly murderous around 5 o'clock every day (I really resented walking the dog yesterday, even to the point where I was wondering if I'd made a bad decision to get a dog. Anyone who's ever had any contact with me knows he's my number one love, so that's out of the ordinary, ain't it? Better living through chemistry my ass.) Chantix affects your central nervous system, so I hope mine will balance itself out with minimal fuss. I hope I'm not paying too much attention to the quotidian details, but the process of quitting smoking is somewhat fascinating to me at this stage. Oh, and from what I've been reading, alcohol and Chantix don't mix well, so be a very wary bear when drinking and doping. It kind of works out for me, since I have a HORRIBLE time drinking without smoking, so I've had to quit drinking too (more on identifying the triggers at a later date).

Being kind and patient to myself are the only welcome challenges of this experience. I put on my Incan pan pipe music last night and studied my Buddist texts with lit cinnamon candles. All that occured after my little bath with my "All That Jasmine" bath bomb... It was peaceful, and I'll share the gem of Buddist wisdom that I meditated on before wolfing down Wendy's (it'd been 6 weeks since my last fast food enjoyment, so bleh):

"Addiction sets up a separate self, identifying with one's craving, a denial or delusion that Buddhism addresses: a denial of our unity with each other and the universe... delusion is one of the three poisons (also called fires) along with greed, so graphic in the craving of addiction. Recognition of suffering is the beginning of transformation, and a lifelong process. Addiction is, by definition, self-perpetuating from a Buddhist view, it perpetuates an illusory self."
-- Gary Gach

I'll end on that, but that ties in the whole "who am I without cigarettes" and the big worry that I'll fall off the wagon or not be able to do this... Ah, one day at a time...

"Did you know that cigarettes are a shield against meaningful interaction with people?"
-- Kevin, 200 Cigarettes